I noticed my own heart this morning at 6:30AM. I was sitting and reading my Bible when I came across Proverbs 13:12, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”
It hit me with so much force that I almost dropped my Bible. It felt like the Holy Spirit was screaming in my ear “THIS IS YOU!”
I read the words again and let them drip into the centerfold of my heart. This was me.
My heart was sick. I was sick and tired of support raising! For almost 20 months, I’ve dropped most social engagements, service opportunities, extra-curricular activities, family gatherings, church meetings… it felt like everything that was near and dear to my heart!
This morning I was to the point of breaking! My mind grasped why my heart was so sick. I was so desperate to serve our church family that I could have cried! I didn’t (and still don’t) care if the only job I’m allowed to do as a staffer is clean toilets! LET ME SERVE was the cry of my heart!
As staffers support raising, we are asked to step out of all forms of ministry. Our church is kind enough to allow us to do a few things like Life Group, Church on Sundays, and even The Rock on Friday nights, but otherwise, everything else is off limits.
I wanted to do campus outreach, share my love of the Lord with others, help take burdens off the pastors! God created me to love, share my life, and serve His people. That is what I’ve been longing to do! Was this too much to ask?
My heart was weary thinking about such things. It had been dwelling on them for weeks now, I just didn’t know it consciously. My husband even mentioned that I seemed less happy than normal. It finally all made sense!
My hope was in finishing support raising, and since it hadn’t happened (hope deferred) my heart was sick. It is good to want to serve, but not to put that above God. I was in the wrong. Wanting to serve is not too much to ask, but putting even good things like service before trusting in our God is sin.
But, if I would only put my hope in the Lord, all my longings would be for Him, and thus fulfilled, because He gives Himself fully to us! He is with us always, and that is the tree of life! That is where true joy comes from!
Yes, I want to serve and I hope to be done support raising in seven days time (students start moving into the dorms in a week), but I am now focusing on putting my hope in our Lord. He is good in all circumstances, and deserves praise no matter what the outcome. If my heart is right about it, I’ll be filled with joy in a week no matter what happens! Have you checked your heart lately?
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1 comment:
Holly, thanks for being so open and honest. It is difficult when we want to be in one place but God has us somewhere else. It is a continual, daily process of renewing our hearts to be in line with God. You are an encouragement to me, Holly.
Love.
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